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July 14, 2010

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Dean’s Office – Devarim

by vths

This is the latest segment of the new weekly video series from Rabbi Stulberger – You’ve Been Called to the Dean’s Office. It’s a short (four minute) message on a timely Torah topic. This week’s message: “Watch Your Words.”

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  1. Rimona Hecht
    Jul 16 2010

    This topic is a very good one. I think this really applies to me right now. I also have a ton of questions about this. How Do I get the message across to an ex boy friend who contacts me after six years and tells me he still loves me, but then goes on to tell me I don’t know what I want out of a relationship, and is still telling me that I let my religion get in the way of the relationship, and that all religions have problems with brainwashing, and is still trying to blame me for the ending of the relationship that was ended six years ago? Then he says he is tired of being single, and continually says that every girl he has been with was at fault for the relationship being bad, and keeps trying to get m to get back together with him but then tells me I lied to him? He won’t acknowledge his own mistakes but just goes on and on about how everything is my fault and always argues with me, and tells me I’m letting other people and rules run my life just because I want to have a Jewish boyfriend. The guy says he’s been single for six years, and he’s obviously not in a receptive mode to him, he constantly turns my words against me because I don’t always say things in a way that’s best. I make mistakes and say the wrong thing sometimes, I’m not perfect or anything, and every time I’ve tried to tell him no matter how gently I try to break it to him, and tell him that sure yes I make mistakes, and I’m sorry if I inadvertently hurt him, but How Do I tell a guy like that, that it’s over between us, and was over six years ago when we broke up, when I know that telling him is going to break his heart even if I wait til he’s in a receptive mode but he never seems to be? All he does is re contect me every three years or so, and go back to talking about how I let my religion stand in the way of everything, and that I’m letting my family, and religion run my life, and that I’ts like I’m brainwashed into looking at everything from a Jewish perspective becuase I am oficially Jewish. He claims that religions are all like clubs, because you’re a member of one and not another, and keeps making me feel like I’m the one who screwed up the relationship just because I don’t always say things in the right way, or I make mistakes that make me seem unsure of what I want, but How do I tell a guy like that, that I could get over him and move on if he would only leave me alone, and not tell me he still loves me after six years, and then tell me he wants to get back together with me, and then blames me for ruining the relationship over and over again. How do I tell him that he’ not letting me forget and move on? The whole breakup that was messy six years ago, and all we did was fight because of our major differences, but how do I tell a guy like that if he wants to have a lasting relationship he needs to take responsibility for his own mistakes and not just go criticizing every girl he’s been with for the relationship not lasting? I mean it’s like there’s just never a good time to tell him, and he’s never receptive to the message, and He claims that I’m bitter about the past when I’m trying to move on, but then he contacts me again, and won’t let me forget and move on, and then he just goes back and brings it up again, or claims he doesn’t remember how messy our initial break up was, and that he doesn’t remember all the nasty e-mails he sent me, and he jsut keeps popping back into my life after I’ve forgotten all that stuff and have not been thinking about it, but how do I tell him to just let me be, and move on with his life, and let me move on with mine without hurting his feelings after I’ve tried to give him hints that I’m no longer interested in him, and that I don’t want to get back together with him, and I’m sure of it? I’m sure things were over with us before they even started, and we were never meant to be together, but how do I tell the guy without devastating him? and how do I know when the moment is right and what if the moment is never right? do I just not tell him? Do I just never speak to him again? How do I tell the guy everything he needs to hear when he’s never receptive to it, or just turns my words back against me. How Do I handle someone like him without hurting his feelings, and without causing him pain when I know the message I have to give him is the most painful message you can give anybody aside from telling them that one of thier loved ones died? I mean it’s like walking out of someone’s life forever, and how do you tell them that? do you just do it silently? How do you tell someone who won’t let you go to let go and move on? I’m asking all these questions because this topic is really relevant to my life right now. How do I tell my EX boyfriend that he’s holding me back from moving on, and forgetting the past? When do I tell him, and how will I know when the time is right? How do I tell him that He’s stuck in the past, and not moving on? How do I tell the guy he’s not living a healthy life and that I’m sure of what I want when he won’t believe me? How do I tell the guy that I like my religion, and I love being a Jew, and I want to keep my faith by dating and marrying a Jewish guy eventually. How do I tell him how all these things without being too blunt, or saying it in a hurtful way? How do I tell the guy all these things without causing him pain, and without sounding like I’m resentful or carrying a grudge. How do I tell him that He keeps reminding me of the past? HOw do I tell the guy that I don’t want to live in the past in a way that doesn’t cause him pain. How do I tell him that he’s the one blocking me from moving on, and forgetting about the past by bringing it up every three years or so? How do I tell him these things in way that doesn’t hurt another human being, and how do I tell him in a way that he will be receptive to the message. How do I tell him that I’m no longer a part of his romantic life, and stopped being that six years ago? How do I tell him that real love and loving someone for who they are is not making them feel like they are brainwashed because of their religion? How do I tell him that really loving a person does not mean constantly, and repeatedly criticizing them for mistakes they make and making them feel like they screwed up the relationship without taking responsibility for their own actions and mistakes? How do I give someone that type of message in a loving, and non hurtful way? How do I spare them the pain of receiving such a message from a friend, or eX girlfriend? how do I not hurt another person in the process of giving them that type of message? How do I tell someone all these things without being guilty of the sin of sinat hinam? I never hate anybody. I just need to be free of this Ex boyfriend’s negative influence on me. How do I tell him that in a way that is loving and spares him pain, and how do I know that he’ll be receptive to that kind of message? How do I do that without committing a sin against a friend of hurting them with words? How do I break that kind of news to someone as lovingly, and as gently as possible? How do I help someone like that move on and let go of all his hurt and pain without causing nim more pain? How can I be sure This person is in a receptive mode?

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